what great future? (go back »)

Since pretty much no one reads this, I can be as honest and as blunt and as emotional as I want.

So you feel close to someone, and then some day, one of you decides that you shouldn't be close anymore. Isn't it odd? And when it really sinks in, doesn't it change your entire little world? It's what I'm trying to get used to. Everything's different. I guess two years can do a lot to someone, especially an 18-year-old. And I can honestly say this is the lowest I've felt in years. Self esteem - gone. Motivation - forgot what that feels like. Sleep is evading me and the thought of failure doesn't even scare me. I'm playing in a masterclass tomorrow and I'm definitely NOT ready, and look what I'm doing. Writing this stupid entry instead of going to practice. But I don't even care anymore.

"All the best with your stuff as well, you have a great future indeed" - why the hell would you say such a thing when the last thing you've said was that you're busy and won't even TRY putting any effort into the relationship? When you looked into my eyes and lied that you still had feelings for me, yet you just couldn't do this anymore. Why not just hit me with the cold, hard truth and tell me I'm not pretty enough, I'm not old/mature enough, I'm white and poor, I'm not smart like you or your friends, and my career definitely won't be as successful as yours? I already know all these things. It's not like it's going to kill me. Better than giving me false hope, right? Because right now I keep hoping you'd call and tell me you love me and want me back. But I shouldn't be this stupid. 
"Great future". Hah. If it was so great you'd want to be in it, wouldn't you?

When someone doesn't want to be in your life anymore, it's end of story, goodbye, move on. Right? Then why can't I do that? I just want my life to go back to normal, and I know it's not going to happen when I smoke a pack a day and can't stop thinking about him. I should be focusing on competitions, what the hell am I doing? I need a reality check, I need someone to tell me I'm stupid and naive and idiotic and a moron and all these wonderful things, so that I can realize how unimportant all of this should be.

In life